I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
