you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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