He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
