I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
