mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Enjoy the penises
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
