My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
not ubering you a puppy
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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