11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
