He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
