weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
third nipple confirmed
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
