If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
