Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
