my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
