The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
