Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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