Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
