is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
