No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
