If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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