did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
