it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
