The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
