I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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