she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
