last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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