I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i now understand why vodka
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
