Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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