End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
