wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can I color on your dick again?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
