end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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