She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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