Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
