why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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