allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
