you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
