The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
