last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
