I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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