He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
