The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
