Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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