He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
