two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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