Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just had sex bonerless
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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