i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
These tits shall not be calmed
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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