When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
