Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
