He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
