It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I need to stop coming to work sober
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
