Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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