How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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