I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just gargled with NyQuil
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
