I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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