Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he thought i was a dude.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
